


change

by softambrollins



Series: our own private universe [5]
Category: Professional Wrestling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:48:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23267239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softambrollins/pseuds/softambrollins
Summary: "Maybe you would've been happier though. Like you are now. Freedom always looked good on you," Seth says quietly."Yeah, but I wouldn't bemenow without the last ten years. I'd just still be fucked-up and self-destructive and self-loathing. My worst self. It's not just about freedom. It's what you do with it," Dean admits. "Maybe it's easier sometimes to not think about the good parts. Easier to not miss it or want to go back. It's harder to move on if you keep thinking about what you left behind. But everything had to happen the way it did. I wouldn't change it. It's just...life, you know?"
Relationships: Dean Ambrose | Jon Moxley/Seth Rollins | Tyler Black
Series: our own private universe [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1468705
Kudos: 23





	change

**Author's Note:**

> Technically not a Quarantine Fic but it was written during the quarantine and it's basically my own form of therapy to stay sane and work out some of my feelings about all this shit because all my other distractions are gone. Also, Seth's heel character doesn't exist in this universe because I just don't care anymore.

"Did you really hate all of it?" Seth asks out of nowhere one morning in April, when they're all alone, lazily curled together on Seth's couch, and it's completely silent except for the faint hum of the TV that neither of them are really watching. It would probably be a confusing non-sequitur if it wasn't almost exactly a year since he left. 

Seth sits up straighter to observe him properly, head tilted at him like he's gauging his response, every minute shift in expression or body language. Dean just looks back at him in turn, eyes narrowed curiously, and Seth looks like he's been thinking about this for a while, like something's been wearing on him that he didn't notice. Because it's been good, really good, _they've_ been good for a long time and he thought everything would finally be the way it should be now and they could leave the past behind and move on and be happy, both separately and together — but maybe it isn't so simple. Maybe there are still things buried beneath the surface between them that they haven't completely resolved and they still need to.

"What? Of course I didn't," Dean says dismissively. He's pretty sure that's not gonna be the end of it though.

Seth obviously doesn't look totally convinced yet. He just shakes his head slightly. "I don't know. Sometimes it feels like you did."

"Seth —" Dean exhales.

"I _know_ ," Seth cuts him off. "It's stupid and it's in the past and I should just let it go. But I don't know, it's hard _not_ to think about it. It's like it's still haunting me even when I try to push it away and ignore it. It just makes me feel like an idiot sometimes, the fact that you were so miserable for so long and I never really realised it. Or maybe it makes me feel like even more of an idiot that you never _told_ me how you were feeling. Like you didn't trust me."

Dean deciding to leave was a big surprise to Seth, like it was to everyone, but it was in the months after when everything started to come out that he knew Seth couldn't help feeling hurt and betrayed, even when he didn't want to, even when Dean knew he just wanted to be happy for him. But it's complicated. The two of them have always been complicated, and the last year hasn't made that any better, even when they've both been trying so hard to be happy and make the most out of everything.

"I didn't want to put any of my shit on you, Seth," he tells him gently. "I just wanted you to be happy. And I knew you finally were. I didn't want my crap to affect you or your Rumble win or you finally getting the title at 'Mania or any of that. I didn't want it to taint any of your good memories."

"But maybe it still did," Seth confesses, his voice sounding genuinely pained now. "It still fucking sucks knowing that I was too preoccupied with all of that, and having you back, and having Roman back, to see any of it. That you didn't tell us that you were struggling with all this heavy shit so we could help carry that burden. That I had some of the best times of my life with you in that ring and maybe now it kind of feels like a...lie. Because maybe some part of you didn't really want to be there with me."

"Seth, I wanted to be with you every single day," he tells him earnestly, because it's the truth and it always will be, regardless of everything else. "No matter where it was. I didn't care. That's why I'm here right now. It wasn't about you. It wasn't about anyone else. It was just about me."

Seth nods. "Yeah, I know. Rationally, in my head, I know that. But maybe the rest of me still wonders if you would've been happier if none of it had ever happened, if you never got that call, never signed that contract... If we'd never met at all," he finishes, voice low and hollow and Dean can see the faint ghost of heartbreak in his eyes. 

He really had no idea all of this was going on inside him, but it's so like Seth to think too much about everything and beat himself up about the past, things he can never change, and worry about things that never happened at all, that are so completely and ridiculously insignificant to even imagine. Just out of his intense love for Dean and his need for him to be happy. Because he still doesn't get that none of that matters to him.

He really has no idea how to respond to that so he just lets out an incredulous laugh instead. "You're fucking joking, right? I was a fucking _mess_ before I came to Tampa. You know that. You saw what I was like in the beginning and it wasn't pretty. I don't know where the fuck I would be right now without some of that structure, without you and Roman, without the chance to get my head straight, grow up, be someone better, do something that actually mattered. I probably wouldn't even be here right now. I probably would've been dead in a fucking ditch somewhere a long time ago." It probably sounds morbid, but he doesn't have any doubt that that would've been his fate if he didn't find something important, something greater than himself, something to believe in, the one thing he needed that he wasn't even looking for.

"Maybe you would've been happier though. Like you are now. Freedom always looked good on you," Seth says quietly.

"Yeah, but I wouldn't be _me_ now without the last ten years. I'd just still be fucked-up and self-destructive and self-loathing. My worst self. It's not just about freedom. It's what you do with it," Dean admits. "Maybe it's easier sometimes to not think about the good parts. Easier to not miss it or want to go back. It's harder to move on if you keep thinking about what you left behind. But everything had to happen the way it did. I wouldn't change it. It's just...life, you know?"

"Do you really still miss it sometimes?" Seth murmurs, and he can't quite keep the tinge of hope out of his words now.

"Yeah, I miss you, I miss fighting with you, I miss travelling with you guys, I miss the giant arenas and all the ridiculous fucking spectacles and feeling like I'd finally made it after busting my ass for so long. There just came a time when I didn't need any of that anymore. It was great, it was fucking amazing while it lasted, but…"

"But things change," Seth finishes sombrely.

"It wasn't the right place for me," Dean says with a shrug. "Everyone just wants totally different things. Money and titles and fame… And it just felt so fake and plastic and I couldn't fucking deal with that shit anymore. I never wanted any of that. I just wanted to do what I love. The only thing I've ever wanted to do. Didn't matter if it was in a high school gym in front of a dozen people. As long as it felt real and authentic."

"Is that what you think about me?" Seth asks, and it feels like he's walking right on the edge between joking and serious.

"You're ambitious, I've always known that. Maybe that's what drew me to you in the first place. You want to be successful and you want to be the best wrestler in the world and you work your ass off for that. And you don't apologise for what you want. And there's nothing wrong with that." Seth's always struggled to reconcile his ambition with his desire to be a good person. It's gotten him into a lot of trouble over the years but he hopes he knows now that he can be both, he can be all those things, everything he wants to be at the same time. Maybe he'll trip up and stumble sometimes along the way but Dean knows who he is. Just like Seth always knows who Dean is.

"You're not doing too shabby yourself, you know," Seth says appreciatively.

"I wouldn't be where I am now without everything that happened. Without the last ten years. Without you. Without everything I learned. So I wouldn't trade it for anything. I just...needed to do it my way," he says simply.

They just fall back into silence for a little while, absorbing and processing everything that's been unearthed. It feels good, to finally say everything he's been meaning to, everything he's been coming to terms with himself over the last year. He just needed a bit more time and distance to really put it all into perspective and finally be able to be truly honest and open about everything. He hopes it grants Seth some comfort now too, puts to bed some of the doubts and worries that are still nagging at his head and his heart. Dean just wants, and needs, Seth to know that no matter what happens, Seth's the most important thing to him always and he's always going to want to be right here next to him. Whether they're in different companies or on opposite sides of the world. It's all inconsequential at the end of the day. It doesn't change _this_. Because nothing can. Not time or distance or fate or God or the entire fucking universe. They've proved that a million times. They're exactly where they're meant to be. Where they always were supposed to be.

"So...you didn't hate all of it," Seth acknowledges after a minute, still sounding slightly uncertain but with just a hint of something else underneath it, almost like relief, like contentment, like maybe he's finally daring to believe him now.

Dean doesn't say anything for a moment and when Seth finally looks up at him properly, he just leans in and kisses him gently on the mouth in lieu of a response. Because sometimes words don't really matter, aren't enough. Seth makes a soft, pleased noise before kissing back, sighing against his lips, moving closer to him as if by gravity, loosely curling his fingers into the front of his shirt.

When he slowly pulls away, Seth's just perfectly still, eyes still shut, dark eyelashes fluttering gently against his cheek, and then he opens them, blinking at him like some part of him still thinks maybe this is all a dream.

"I wouldn't have met you. So of course I don't fucking hate all of it," Dean tells him firmly, like it should've been obvious all along.

"Okay," Seth says, giving him a slight smile for the first time.


End file.
